Hermit Saturday

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Hiding from the world today, writing my heart out. These days are rare and I am thankful that I get even this one. Sometimes, writing is the only way I stop myself from saying or doing something that I truly regret. My anger can really bottle up, bubbles of rage that threaten to boil over.

It’s not that I wish that people would do what I say or that things have to go my way. What I wish for is for the vitriol and hate that people spit at me to dial down. I never treat anyone with cruelness and I always send such positivity into their lives. I’m not saying that everyone has to treat me super kind, especially if that isn’t who they are. All I want is a basic level of respect. If they have something to say, even if it’s a complaint, why do they speak with such a clear intention to hurt?

Why can’t they say what they feel with the same respect that I give them? I just don’t want to be someone’s punching bag, but at the end of the day the truth remains: you just cannot control people. And that’s why I write–write everything out. Because it’s still a tough pill for me to swallow–that kindness doesn’t equate someone treating you with the basic level of common decency. You can truly do so much for someone and be guaranteed less than nothing. In these circumstances, I just wish that I could receive nothing back, because it’s less than nothing is so much worse.

My hope is that writing will ease the sting of negativity and that sadness will be replaced with inner strength…

 

 

Sunday Motivation: Move Along

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I’ve always held this song from All American Rejects close to my heart.

This has been a rough week for me–but I know it has been a tough one for us all. With all of the unexpected suicides catching our breaths and reminding us that we all face struggles. For me, it also makes me realize that what we are searching for may not be what we need. We always think that we need wealth and a better job–but that may not be the thing that can heal us. It can make us feel so hopeless when we realize that we thought would help us, simply doesn’t. So what do we do? How do we make it through? We move along–this song couldn’t be more poignant, so heartfelt, and inspiring.

Lyrics–Move Along

By: All American Rejects

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall, everyone stands
Another day, and you’ve had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you’ve lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong, we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do (Know you do)
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

Songwriters: Nick Wheeler / Tyson Ritter
(From google.com)

My Vision of Success?

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My last few posts have fallen on the negative side and I truly wish there was no need to travel such a low path.

The reason that I’ve allowed myself to remain honest with how I feel is because I value emotional truth. I just don’t think that lying to oneself does any favors but suppress an uncomfortable sensation. For me, attempting to stamp out any unpleasant emotions does nothing but ensure a future explosion.

I had an idea today that I wanted to try to see if I could help myself head towards genuine positivity: my vision of success. I spent a lot of time thinking about why I feel depressed and anxious and it has a lot to do with being unable to change my current circumstances. I have no issue toughing  every day existence–I just want to know when it will all be over. But the problem is, I can’t say when ‘over’ will be. So that’s why I thought about taking out my journal and really contemplating what my vision of success would be. Perhaps if I honestly wrote on paper what I’m looking for in this life, that would give me that answer of what the ‘end’ would be of my crappy situation?

I am not sure but it is worth a try.

 

 

Attempting to Separate Myself from My Emotions…

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The past few weeks have left me inundated with sadness. I have tried every attempt to cheer myself up but it has resulted in nothing but poor decisions and impulse purchases. I wish that shopping wasn’t such a cathartic experience because I just stack on my debt this way. Unfortunately, nothing but buying has been able to keep my mind off my negative emotions.

I have tried and tried to determine what is causing my glum mood but I know that it is too many different factors. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve outgrown much of my life and just feel so powerless to change my current circumstances. Every type of change requires so many countless steps that I just can’t keep up with it. For example, I’ve been trying to eliminate the paper clutter in my place. I have stacks and stacks of paper to sort and deal with. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal–however–I have tons of important documents I have to keep and so it can’t just be a simple task of dumping all the papers in a shredder. I have to sort, evaluate, and work through every fucking sheet and it can’t just be a “one and done task.”

I feel this way about everything in my life that I need to change. Don’t get me wrong–I am willing to do the work and have no problem taking accountability for my actions and the mistakes I have made. The problem comes in being simply overwhelmed by the complexity of everything. There is not “one and done” change that I can make in my life. Everything is has to be sorted, evaluated, and worked through. The only quick task I can complete is to separate myself from my negativity, sadness. I understand that I feel really low but I am still separating myself from these feelings–doing everything to not allow them to consume me…

 

(Image credit: pixabay.com).

Lost in Anxiety

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I am not certain why each day has left me more and more anxious. I feel like I am doing everything wrong and couldn’t be more lost.

There’s so many things that I need to change–to mend–and I can’t figure out where to begin. I don’t know why I struggle so much to figure out my life. I am a constant seeker of knowledge–running to the self-help books and guides with the hopes that I will acquire the wisdom required to fix everything. But the lessons I apply from my readings simply aren’t working.

Years ago, I seemed to have everything figured out–even though I was absolutely headed nowhere in my life. The lack of ascension didn’t really seem to matter, because I was hopeful every day and took action every day. Now, all the hope has burned out. I’m left with anxiety, uncertainty for the future, and fear.

I just want to hide from it all–disappear from my problems. I treasure life so much, and that’s why I detest being so consumed with these negative emotions…

 

(Image credit pixabay.com)

 

Exquisite Songwriting–The Escapist

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Tonight I was so lucky to see one of my favorite bands in concert–Nightwish. I’ve probably been a fan of the Finnish rockers for over a decade. I almost felt as if I boarded a time machine, returning from their concerts of many years past. They played much of their songs from their first three albums. No matter how far back you go, what I can never get enough of from them is their exquisite songwriting.

Their songs always express so much more than the cliche love songs of pop. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind pop but I do bore of the same themes of rehashed again and again and again. But not Nightwish–they have so much more to say in their music. In celebration of over twenty years of their enchanting melodies, I wanted to share with you the lyrics of one my favorite songs by them: The Escapist. If you haven’t given this song a listen, I seriously can’t recommend it enough.

Lyrics–The Escapist

By: Nightwish

Who’s there knocking at my window?
The owl and the Dead Boy
This night whispers my name
All the dying children

 

Virgin snow beneath my feet
Painting the world in white
I tread the way and lose myself into a tale

 

Come hell or high water
My search will go on
Clayborn Voyage without an end

 

A nightingale in a golden cage
That’s me locked inside reality’s maze
Come someone make my heavy heart light
Come undone, bring me back to life
It all starts with a lullaby

 

Journey homeward bound
A sound of a dolphin calling
Tearing off the mask of man
The tower, my sole guide

 

This is who I am
Escapist, paradise seeker
Farewell, now time to fly
Out of sight, out of time, away from all lies

 

A nightingale in a golden cage
That’s me locked inside reality’s maze
Come someone make my heavy heart light
Come undone, bring me back to life
It all starts with a lullaby
Songwriters: Tuomas Lauri Johannes Holopainen

 

(From google.com)

Fascinating Read: Developing Mental Toughness

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My supervisor shared this fascinating article from James Clear: The Science of Developing Mental Toughness in Your Heath, Work, and Life.

I had no idea that she was as equally obsessed as me with finding interesting reads!

I overly highlighted James’ article about the importance of obtaining the mental fortitude. I can’t recommend this article enough–I know for certain that I suffer from mental weakness. I am easily confused and inundated with chaos and confusion. It doesn’t take much for me to drown in worry and fear.

It was incredibly refreshing to learn that talent and intelligence don’t matter as much as having the mental strength to keep going through challenges. As an added bonus, James gave the reader ideas and suggestions for cultivating mental resilience.

It is vital for us to take consistent, concrete actions every day to prove to ourselves that we are strong and able to handle whatever life throws at us. I have always been a fan of taking the easy way out but now I am starting to learn how this has very harsh consequences. And the thing is, we are the only ones who pay–not others. I say this because I have often dropped out of challenges because I notice that others carry lighter loads. I wanted to be like them. But it isn’t them who pays for my decisions, it’s always been me.

Overall, you must develop mental toughness to make it through life and the only way to achieve this is by taking concrete actions in the physical world.

I will definitely do more to make sure that I am actually becoming stronger. All of my daily habits are weak and unhelpful. I know that all of my regular practices have to be reevaluated. It gives me hope that life doesn’t have to be overwhelming. It is ok if you aren’t super talented or born with a crazy high IQ.

This article is a must-read and you can find it here: https://jamesclear.com/mental-toughness

Image Credit: Pixabay.com